Walk In’s

 

This is probably going to be a weird post, unless you’re either like me or completely stoned. Not that I’m stoned just that stoners ‘get me’.

It’s not exactly about ‘walk in’s except that it might end up being. Ideally, it’s supposed to end up being about ‘walk in’s because that’s the title right? And if it isn’t then you’ll have a laugh and enjoy reading this (hopefully) because I’m not really planning to edit it for subject matter.

Awww I’m listening to Vanilla Fudge – I LOVE FUCKING VANILLA FUDGE! Anyway I was thinking about walk in situations, whether you walk into a conversation or walk into someone you know or any walk in, the point is -that shit is always funny or awkward or just plain weird. Okay well, for starters Vanilla Fudge isn’t playing anymore because someone walked in and asked for it to shut up, classic moment. Let’s categorize . . .

The “what are you doing?”: If you haven’t experienced this one, you must be less than a year old, really. We’ve all had that one, sorry for you if that happened when you were masturbating and your mom walked in. You poor thing. Perhaps you were hiding your stash under the bed in which case you suddenly utter, “Uh I dropped . . . A coin, I think it’s somewhere here”, you can’t ever get through any of it unless  you generally have one facial expression, if that’s not the case you’d have gone all crimson or pale as in BUSTED! In my case, the “What are you doing?” doesn’t happen anymore, but it’s rough and it takes a while for it to turn into a joke. Just imagine two weeks later jokingly saying, “Hey remember that day you caught me hiding that paper that I was going to stick into my diary and you demanded I give it to you, and then you read it and figured that I think of you as Godzilla! Ahahaha!”, so not fucking funny. It’s been like, three years and it’s still not funny. Ooh and the time I hid my syringe (without a needle) just because it was a party idea, like lets have shots through a syringe. Parents will think that you’re on drugs before they think you’re a rad as fuck innovative party planner!

The “So what are you guys talking about?”: Yeah you have no idea that we just called you a fugly-fashion-zombie when you went to the bathroom and now you’re back . . . So we say “We were JUST talking about how stressed Jerry is with his new job . . .” and Jerry is like, “Yeah, so stressed, like oh my gosh, I forgot what it’s like to sleep”. It’s worse when the question is in your facial expression than you actually asking it. Sometimes it’s cool because you can just walk in there and be like “Yeah I know right?”, join the current and flow with it! My friends used to do this thing where they’d walk in and say, “I like grapes”, just to exaggerate the awkward moment. You know when you walk into a touchy subject that you’ll be faced with absolute deafening silence, but that’s okay. Give people space and go fiddle with your eyebrows or paint your nails . . . Again.

The “Two (insert word) walk into a bar . . .”: This is the one I most relate to. In my case it’s mostly “Two very well dressed people walk in a bar”. Not to blow my own horn, but most people go to places looking like turds. Either they’ve tried too hard or haven’t tried at all or even tried to look so bad or good that it shows (and it shows like a turd). For a person who understands and studies fashion, lifestyles and movements, it’s easy to see right through the fakes and posers and badly dressed idiots who are out to please and fit in with the rest of the idiots. Also in place of the (insert word) are the ‘teenagers’, ‘hipsters’, ‘goths’, ‘hoodrats’, ‘hoboes’, ‘white people‘, ‘models’, ‘black people’, ‘asians’, ‘mixed couple’, ‘hot girls’, ‘fugly girls’ etc. It all depends where you are and you’ll always know when you’re the two (insert word) that walks into a bar.

The “Oh my gosh, is that . . .?”: It’s always a ‘Holy shit’ or a ‘Yay!’ and both of these have their in-betweens. Like, the girl you partied with last Summer is around, you’ve been texting and now you can talk about all the bullshit and trash the place. If it’s a so-called celebrity, no one ever really cares. Or it’s that bitch you had a public feud with and all you both say is, “Hi, so how are things?”- awkward. I mean, they can be the best thing or the worst. Weird one is where you’re like, “Oh my gosh, is that Jenna?” and by this time you’re fucking more than convinced it’s your dear friend, Jenna, even though you can only see her back . . . You run up to her like a teen girl running to Bieber and shout “Oh my gosh, Jenna!” and then you realise she isn’t Jenna, ouch . . .

The “Look what the cat dragged in”: This one is always annoying, all of a sudden your feet feel the pain that they’re in. You get slapped stone cold sober or feel like you had you’ve had about twenty shots in one go. I’ve seen this happen with other people, their noses seem to automatically reach for the ceiling, you can determine whether it’s ‘We’re better than you’ or ‘We can’t see you’. By this time, that person realises this and hides! Shit is weird.

The “LMAO and ROTFL: Like in college when someone walks into the wrong class with an entrance of note and you all know you’ve never seen that face before, like when someone walks in with something on their face or just after running during a beastly wind. Actually sometimes you’re just as confused as the funny person, because you’re thinking “Oh my gosh, your face looks like it’s been photoshopped, is your mirror blur?” or “Really now, why’d you have to dye your hair THAT colour?”. Hmm, you don’t want to be the main character in the “LMAO/ROTFL” walk in and if you are, make it iconic.

The “Thank God you’re here!”: Haha, this one is classic. Isn’t this the theme of most house parties? It’s supposed to be all cosy and warm except that it’s almost ice cold because you don’t know anyone there (because everyone invited their friend’s friend’s friends) and the host is making out with a random in the garden. That’s when the “Two (insert word) walk into (not)  a bar comes in handy. If you’re interesting enough, people will ask where you got your shoes, but then you’re still talking to randoms or in any other case, you’re talking to people who you can’t stand. If you ever see someone in a texting frenzy, you know they’re waiting for their “Thank God you’re here” person to arrive. The end of that sentence is “Ah I got so sick of these hipsters talking about dubstep” or something along that line. You poor things.

The “I heard what you said about me”: This one, perhaps, is specific to movies and shit we see on TV. Honestly who stands by the door and then walks in and says, “You’re going to have to tell me what?” or “What ABOUT Adrian?”, you sneaky bastard. You already heard how your present company is plotting to ruin your ‘sort of’ friend’s career by poisoning them or how your jerky boyfriend is cheating on you or something. Why don’t you just walk in, break shit and scream, “I knew it!” or tell them how you like grapes?

There are lots more, like when someone you know but don’t really like makes the effort to join your conversation in a desperate attempt to be seen with you. Losers. How about when some lesbian purposely walks into (not bumps into) your boobs or when some trashy whore is trying to offend your date/girlfriend by moving through the crowd and purposefully squashing her boobs on you (When it comes to my friends and I, we’ve already lowered our drinks to her crotch and since she’s moving so much she gets spilt on and looks like she pissed her pants, followed by “Oh sorry”, props to Courtney Love for teaching us offensive manners). It all borders on rude and obnoxious or accidental and uncomfortable, either way it’s also hilarious, because we don’t plan the scenes we’re in before we get cast in them. If it’s that bad, you can always just pull a zap sign. There are the lines: “Don’t you have some place to be?”, “So who’re here with?” which both mean ‘Fuck off’ or if it’s just funny, why not joke about it there and then and have a good laugh? Of course you can fuss and you can hide and isolate yourself because it’s ‘so embarrassing, but that’s definitely NOT what a snob does. Put a little snob in you . . .

Meow.xox

The Snob

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Came, Saw, Conquered!!

Ooh, nothing like killing about 4 birds with one stone!

Confused? I’ll enlighten you. It was a weekend night (that starts with an S, the other one, the one on which Christians like to hang out together), we went out to a place that you can call ‘the usual spot’, the bartenders know what you want so you don’t have holler at them like the rest of the crowd.  That’s besides the point, my night turned into an episode of Sex and The City meets Gossip Girl (seriously). Don’t want to go into too much detail but I was greeted by a person who is already hard to like with a dirty look ‘smile’, of course in all my politeness and not giving the person the satisfaction of making me uncomfortable, I smiled back. I’m still not sure if it was a real smile but it did the trick. Fast-forward less than a minute later, walking strutting with drinks in hand to see the live jazz band,  meeting friends, having a jam. Bird 1-injured.

Oh by the way, it’s been a fucking long time since we saw a good jazz band, the bassist knew he was good, and he showed it by playing and playing and playing until the other two band members had to randomly join just to stop him get a chance to show off their skills too. A live freestyle performance will always be interrupted by a drunk and lively character in the audience, one of these was a cool girl who looks like your aunt but acts like your crazy best friend, she kept singing some one liner from a popular kwaito song. Funny in the beginning but slowly worked its way into annoying and disrespectful, but I guess it’s all part of the fun. A while later we all sat at a table and talked shit about everything, refreshing talking to people you haven’t seen in a while. Here I also got glances from this non-stranger, which left me thinking ‘when are you going to quit?’. Here I am trying to dodge a conversation about maize, yes MAIZE, apparently that is the latest important thing to talk about, this is obviously new to me since the maize we (my fiance and I) eat is cous cous from Morocco or Italy or something. Anyway how does one dodge a conversation? Sipping your drink, smoking your cigarette and scanning the crowd, which means getting scanned too, oh the joy (sarcasm).

Before I carry on, I must mention Bird 2: Being way hotter than your ‘arch nemesis’, hotter, well dressed, polite, intelligent, the fucking works. Need I say that I immediately removed that label from that person because anyone who knows me, knows that I’ll only accept a person as my arch nemesis if they’re in my league. Am I wrong? No I’m not, think about it, there’s no point in Giselle Bundchen-Brady calling Tyra Banks an arch nemesis, it’s a waste, Giselle is a million times hottter, and is always tops whereas Tyra is a has been, and always wears too much eye shadow! See what I mean? Bird 2 status-smashed into a million little pieces.

Ooh we had a good dance, like in the movies haha. We had a friendly chat with the band’s drummer who turned out to be a familiar face to my fiance, and I had a friendly chat with the girl with the thrift shop racks selling everything I wouldn’t wear until That 70’s Show reunion party. But she’s a cool, chilled out person and she’s developed a lot of poise since the last time I saw her, ‘You go girl!’.

Bird 3 is a nice bird, it’s the bird that can’t fly and makes good chicken wings! Yummy. This is the one person who got on my nerves for not acknowledging important current situations. Fine, you’re kind of annoying but we can actually get along and I’d understand what you were saying more often if it wasn’t for your ghetto accent, but I can appreciate that you’re not completely rude, even though you have your moments. Win! Bird 3 status- killed and eaten. lol. And I guess you can’t stop people from copying your make-up.

Bird 4- Going out with my lovely fiance, meeting friends, dancing and having a ball. Since that was the point, but like a good hunter, you always recognise your other successes especially if you’re using the same weapon! You can have so many asses kicked in one night, politely of course. Cheers to partying like a betch and being a good hunter 😉 . Cheers to my snobs!