Walk In’s


This is probably going to be a weird post, unless you’re either like me or completely stoned. Not that I’m stoned just that stoners ‘get me’.

It’s not exactly about ‘walk in’s except that it might end up being. Ideally, it’s supposed to end up being about ‘walk in’s because that’s the title right? And if it isn’t then you’ll have a laugh and enjoy reading this (hopefully) because I’m not really planning to edit it for subject matter.

Awww I’m listening to Vanilla Fudge – I LOVE FUCKING VANILLA FUDGE! Anyway I was thinking about walk in situations, whether you walk into a conversation or walk into someone you know or any walk in, the point is -that shit is always funny or awkward or just plain weird. Okay well, for starters Vanilla Fudge isn’t playing anymore because someone walked in and asked for it to shut up, classic moment. Let’s categorize . . .

The “what are you doing?”: If you haven’t experienced this one, you must be less than a year old, really. We’ve all had that one, sorry for you if that happened when you were masturbating and your mom walked in. You poor thing. Perhaps you were hiding your stash under the bed in which case you suddenly utter, “Uh I dropped . . . A coin, I think it’s somewhere here”, you can’t ever get through any of it unless  you generally have one facial expression, if that’s not the case you’d have gone all crimson or pale as in BUSTED! In my case, the “What are you doing?” doesn’t happen anymore, but it’s rough and it takes a while for it to turn into a joke. Just imagine two weeks later jokingly saying, “Hey remember that day you caught me hiding that paper that I was going to stick into my diary and you demanded I give it to you, and then you read it and figured that I think of you as Godzilla! Ahahaha!”, so not fucking funny. It’s been like, three years and it’s still not funny. Ooh and the time I hid my syringe (without a needle) just because it was a party idea, like lets have shots through a syringe. Parents will think that you’re on drugs before they think you’re a rad as fuck innovative party planner!

The “So what are you guys talking about?”: Yeah you have no idea that we just called you a fugly-fashion-zombie when you went to the bathroom and now you’re back . . . So we say “We were JUST talking about how stressed Jerry is with his new job . . .” and Jerry is like, “Yeah, so stressed, like oh my gosh, I forgot what it’s like to sleep”. It’s worse when the question is in your facial expression than you actually asking it. Sometimes it’s cool because you can just walk in there and be like “Yeah I know right?”, join the current and flow with it! My friends used to do this thing where they’d walk in and say, “I like grapes”, just to exaggerate the awkward moment. You know when you walk into a touchy subject that you’ll be faced with absolute deafening silence, but that’s okay. Give people space and go fiddle with your eyebrows or paint your nails . . . Again.

The “Two (insert word) walk into a bar . . .”: This is the one I most relate to. In my case it’s mostly “Two very well dressed people walk in a bar”. Not to blow my own horn, but most people go to places looking like turds. Either they’ve tried too hard or haven’t tried at all or even tried to look so bad or good that it shows (and it shows like a turd). For a person who understands and studies fashion, lifestyles and movements, it’s easy to see right through the fakes and posers and badly dressed idiots who are out to please and fit in with the rest of the idiots. Also in place of the (insert word) are the ‘teenagers’, ‘hipsters’, ‘goths’, ‘hoodrats’, ‘hoboes’, ‘white people‘, ‘models’, ‘black people’, ‘asians’, ‘mixed couple’, ‘hot girls’, ‘fugly girls’ etc. It all depends where you are and you’ll always know when you’re the two (insert word) that walks into a bar.

The “Oh my gosh, is that . . .?”: It’s always a ‘Holy shit’ or a ‘Yay!’ and both of these have their in-betweens. Like, the girl you partied with last Summer is around, you’ve been texting and now you can talk about all the bullshit and trash the place. If it’s a so-called celebrity, no one ever really cares. Or it’s that bitch you had a public feud with and all you both say is, “Hi, so how are things?”- awkward. I mean, they can be the best thing or the worst. Weird one is where you’re like, “Oh my gosh, is that Jenna?” and by this time you’re fucking more than convinced it’s your dear friend, Jenna, even though you can only see her back . . . You run up to her like a teen girl running to Bieber and shout “Oh my gosh, Jenna!” and then you realise she isn’t Jenna, ouch . . .

The “Look what the cat dragged in”: This one is always annoying, all of a sudden your feet feel the pain that they’re in. You get slapped stone cold sober or feel like you had you’ve had about twenty shots in one go. I’ve seen this happen with other people, their noses seem to automatically reach for the ceiling, you can determine whether it’s ‘We’re better than you’ or ‘We can’t see you’. By this time, that person realises this and hides! Shit is weird.

The “LMAO and ROTFL: Like in college when someone walks into the wrong class with an entrance of note and you all know you’ve never seen that face before, like when someone walks in with something on their face or just after running during a beastly wind. Actually sometimes you’re just as confused as the funny person, because you’re thinking “Oh my gosh, your face looks like it’s been photoshopped, is your mirror blur?” or “Really now, why’d you have to dye your hair THAT colour?”. Hmm, you don’t want to be the main character in the “LMAO/ROTFL” walk in and if you are, make it iconic.

The “Thank God you’re here!”: Haha, this one is classic. Isn’t this the theme of most house parties? It’s supposed to be all cosy and warm except that it’s almost ice cold because you don’t know anyone there (because everyone invited their friend’s friend’s friends) and the host is making out with a random in the garden. That’s when the “Two (insert word) walk into (not)  a bar comes in handy. If you’re interesting enough, people will ask where you got your shoes, but then you’re still talking to randoms or in any other case, you’re talking to people who you can’t stand. If you ever see someone in a texting frenzy, you know they’re waiting for their “Thank God you’re here” person to arrive. The end of that sentence is “Ah I got so sick of these hipsters talking about dubstep” or something along that line. You poor things.

The “I heard what you said about me”: This one, perhaps, is specific to movies and shit we see on TV. Honestly who stands by the door and then walks in and says, “You’re going to have to tell me what?” or “What ABOUT Adrian?”, you sneaky bastard. You already heard how your present company is plotting to ruin your ‘sort of’ friend’s career by poisoning them or how your jerky boyfriend is cheating on you or something. Why don’t you just walk in, break shit and scream, “I knew it!” or tell them how you like grapes?

There are lots more, like when someone you know but don’t really like makes the effort to join your conversation in a desperate attempt to be seen with you. Losers. How about when some lesbian purposely walks into (not bumps into) your boobs or when some trashy whore is trying to offend your date/girlfriend by moving through the crowd and purposefully squashing her boobs on you (When it comes to my friends and I, we’ve already lowered our drinks to her crotch and since she’s moving so much she gets spilt on and looks like she pissed her pants, followed by “Oh sorry”, props to Courtney Love for teaching us offensive manners). It all borders on rude and obnoxious or accidental and uncomfortable, either way it’s also hilarious, because we don’t plan the scenes we’re in before we get cast in them. If it’s that bad, you can always just pull a zap sign. There are the lines: “Don’t you have some place to be?”, “So who’re here with?” which both mean ‘Fuck off’ or if it’s just funny, why not joke about it there and then and have a good laugh? Of course you can fuss and you can hide and isolate yourself because it’s ‘so embarrassing, but that’s definitely NOT what a snob does. Put a little snob in you . . .


The Snob